Hi, I'm Chris Rock, and usually
I tell people jokes that make them laugh,
but tonight I wanna talk about something serious.
Tonight I wanna talk about rickets.
Rickets. Rickets.
Yeah, it's known on the streets as Rick or Ricky,
and you may have heard other kids say,
"Rickets is cool" and "Rickets makes you tough."
Well, you know what? Rickets is a bad disease
that hurts your joints.
Argh! That's not my idea of fun.
Now, if one of your friends tells you that rickets is cool,
well, he is not cool and he's not your friend.
If someone offers you rickets...
What's up, man? We got some rickets right here.
...just say no and walk away while you still can.
Rickets-- it's for losers.
( theme music playing )
Announcer: from New York City,
It's "The Chris Rock Show."
Tonight, actress Jada Pinkett,
musical guest LSG,
plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
Thank you.
Hey. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Sit down. - ( laughter )
Sit down. Thank you all for coming to the show.
It's great. It's--
The traffic is ridiculous out there.
It's the holiday season. Kwanzaa's almost here.
Yes, Kwanzaa's almost here.
You know, time really flies.
It seems like yesterday it was Kwanzaa-giving
and Kwanzaa-ween, you know.
You know. I mean, I love the holiday season.
This is the time of year
when more people believe in flying reindeer
than Tawana Brawley, you know?
It's that time of year. So--
You know, it was a wild week.
You know what happened this week?
The Ghostface Killah from the Wu-tang Clan...
- ( laughter ) - No, from the Charlie Daniels Band--
No, Ghostface Killah from the Wu-tang Clan
was arrested here in New York
for carrying a.357 magnum.
He claims that he was being harassed by the police,
but the cops said, "Hey, it is standard procedure
for anybody with a car
that got "Killah" on the license plate.
What else is going on this week?
This week, Louis Farrakhan, the minister,
Is getting ready to go on a 52-nation tour, man.
Farrakhan on tour, pulling out all the stops, too, man.
He even got an opening act--
Mase.
( chuckling )
Yes, all right.
You know, Farrakhan's getting ready
to visit Saddam Hussein in lraq. People are really pissed off, man.
The government's pissed off. And you thought
The U.S. Government was eager to bomb the shit out of lraq before.
Wait till Farrakhan gets there.
Don't go!
Now this is a true story.
A judge in Los Angeles ruled that Tupac Shakur's father
could not inherit half of Tupac's millions.
- ( applause ) - That's right.
Y'all clapping like y'all are getting the other half.
The judge made the decision after Tupac's dad
could not identify Tupac in a group of photos.
That's right.
The father picked out M.C. Hammer.
What's going on?
Now, what else? More news.
A bartender in Brentwood, California,
refused to serve O.J. Simpson
after customers threatened to leave the restaurant
'cause O.J. was there. And people heard O.J. say,
"Hey, who does a brother have to kill
to get a drink in here?"
( chuckles )
What else is going on?
Um, in the world of sports--
there's only one thing happening in sports--
Latrell Sprewell finally apologized
for choking his coach. He said he was sorry.
He ain't sorry.
You know why I know he ain't sorry?
'Cause he still got the cornrows, that's why.
That's right.
You can't go to court with cornrows in your hair.
I'm sorry, you can't go to court
with the number one hairstyle on Rikers lsland.
( chuckling )
I'm sorry.
- ( cheering ) - ( mumbles )
Y'all,
Charles Barkley is calling
for a players' boycott
if Sprewell's punishment isn't reduced.
Now, Barkley said, "lf they take away
our right to choke the coaches,
what will they take away next,
our right to smoke weed?
Our right to spit on the fans?
Our right to fuck white girls? No!"
( cheering )
They can't lose that.
Now, do y'all like this New York City background?
- You like it? - ( audience cheers )
Well, you know, we're pretty happy with it,
but it wasn't the first one we tried.
We went through a couple of other things,
but we couldn't find anything quite right.
For instance, let's take a look
at this clip from one of our first shows.
So, tell me this.
What was it like working with Denzel?
It was the best.
He's really a terrific actor and a great guy.
Now, the landfill thing didn't feel right,
But I was sure this next one was gonna work.
Now, is it fair to call you a white supremacist?
Um, what does "supremacist" mean?
It means you think that white people
are far superior to the other races.
- "Superior" means... - "Better than."
Now, we still needed a background,
but I fired the guy who thought of this one.
Now, what song will you be doing for us tonight?
I'm going to be playing the Busta Rhymes classic
"Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See."
How long have you been playing
- the rims of wine glasses? - Not very long, actually.
Now, you know,
it didn't really have that New York feeling,
So we tried the background that really said the Big Apple.
I wanna thank you for being with us
and congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize.
Thank you very much, Chris.
Now, how did you find out that you won?
Well, there was a phone call.
A phone call? From the Nobel Prize people?
- Who called you? - Wes, they called me from Stockholm.
Okay, from Stockholm.
Now, isn't there a time zone difference?
It must have been 3:00 in the morning your time.
Yes, it actually was. They woke me up,
But it was great news.
I don't know what we were thinking.
Okay, we got a great show for you tonight.
We got Jada Pinkett in the house.
We got LSG.
And don't forget to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.
( scratches record )
Now, everybody watch this, please.
Announcer: You've seen "When Animals Attack."
You've seen "Amazing High Speed Police Chases."
And now, coming soon to HBO,
"When Animals Attack in High Speed Chases ll."
- ( siren wailing ) - This man has just robbed a bank.
He's being pursued by cops. He is traveling at speeds
in excess of 100 miles an hour.
If he makes it to the exit ramp,
the police will not be able to catch him.
Only one thing can stop him now.
- ( screeches ) - ( tires squealing )
Hi, I'm Bob Watkins,
The host of "When Animals Attack
In High Speed Chases ll."
On this show you'll see graphic images
of bloody animal attacks and the messy remains
of horrible car accidents
over and over and over again.
Let's see that first crash again.
The squirrel was killed, but amazingly,
the driver survived.
I didn't mind the squirrel attack.
I didn't even mind rolling 17 times,
but don't cuff me
after I've broken every bone in my body.
Announcer: This is Anna Warner,
victim of a vicious animal attack.
Anna: My husband and me were camping
in Killer Bear Park. The park ranger said
there had been bear sightings in the past,
but there was nothing to worry about now.
Basically, I lied.
Out of nowhere, a car comes
speeding into the park with a bear at the wheel.
It knocked us 10 feet.
My husband, thank God, was killed instantly,
but, amazingly, I lived.
And I knew that attack was not an accident,
'cause the bear backed up and drove over me
about seven times.
Announcer: Here's a police photo of Anna
just after the attack.
What Anna didn't know at the time was
There was also a deer in the car riding shotgun.
After the attack in the park,
officers pursued the bear and the deer.
The bear didn't have a license,
was baffled by right turns on red...
For a few miles, the deer takes the wheel,
But hits a deer, and the bear takes the wheel back.
Later, the arrogant bear gives the police the finger.
This causes the bear to lose control,
and the cops run him off the road.
The deer tries to toss beer cans out the car.
The deer is taken into custody immediately.
The bear surrenders.
Once out of the vehicle, he pretends to be hurt,
but then shoves an officer aside
and makes a break for the woods.
The foot race is on.
In desperation, the bear runs
into a nearby home.
The bear tries to disguise himself
as a fancy throw rug,
but officers are not fooled.
They cuff the rug.
They also arrest another rug, just to be on the safe side.
He'll be spending the next 20 years in jail
as "Smokey the Bitch."
So join me next week on...
( tires screeching )
Hey, my first guest tonight
starred in "Nutty Professor," "Set It Off"
and can be currently seen in "Scream ll."
Please welcome Jada Pinkett.
- ( hip hop music playing ) - ( audience cheering )
- Jada Jada Jada Jada Jada. - What's happening?
Got the big hat for me.
Well, you know, I'm a little disturbed,
because the costume folks in the back
put my little brim back.
- We wanna see your face. - They pinned it back.
We don't care what you do on the Keenan Show.
I can't give you the real pimp effect, you know.
We wanna see the face.
Now, everything's happening for you right now.
You got "Scream," you got other movies.
What's the worst script you've been offered?
- The worst script? - What's the worst piece of crap--
You said, "What the hell are they thinking?"
Chris, I've had so many, you know.
I've had so many scripts sent to me that are just booty.
What's the one that just made you go,
"l know they didn't send this to me!
Do they know who the hell I is?!"
( audience laughing )
I mean, maybe you didn't say it like that, 'cause I got a script--
Disney called me up. They wanted me to play a monkey in a movie.
I said, "I'm not playing a monkey!
You better go get a monkey to play your monkey."
( audience laughing, cheering )
I don't know.
All right, so forget the script thing.
But you get-- you're doing lots-- "Scream."
'Cause you know, they kill black people quick in horror movies.
- Real quick. - So how long do you last?
( audience laughs )
Let's say, don't close your eyes.
Don't blink.
- Audience: Aww. - Don't blink.
- It's kind of like a Tyson fight, huh? - Absolutely.
Well, it's kind of like
- a Tyson old fight, not-- - Right.
You know, the pre-bite Mike.
Now...
Chris, you're a trip. You are a trip.
In old fights, it would be over quick.
You know what's cool?
- We did a bit on you. - Oh yeah, I heard.
- I heard, the million... - The Million Woman March.
Uh-huh, yeah.
You went down to the Million Woman March.
Now, they had the Million Man March,
and I knew what that was about, 'cause brothers were
Iosing their minds, doing all sorts of crazy shit.
- Right. - It was like,
okay, let's get them all together and tell them,
"You don't fuck around no more!"
What was the Million Woman March about?
'cause y'all seem-- 'cause black women are all right.
Well, not really, though. I mean, yeah,
we needed to kinda get together
and get an agenda, you know.
It's like, okay, women, it's time to focus
- on our families-- - An agenda besides yelling at us?
Right, beside it's like, "All right, look,
Iet's deal with us. Let the black man
do what he has to do, okay? Let's focus on us for a minute."
- Okay. - You know?
And I just think that what the million woman march did is--
I think, sometimes we put too much focus on black men,
and we really need to focus on ourselves
- And strengthen ourselves. - Okay.
- ( clapping ) - And that ultimately makes better men.
( laughs ) You know, for real, girls.
- Let's get it right, get it right. - ( women cheering )
All right? If we ain't together, our men don't have a chance.
Trust, okay.
So that's what that was about.
Yeah, I've noticed the change in the streets.
( laughing )
Everywhere I go, man, that March really did something.
That's right! It was powerful.
It changed my life.
- Get out of here! - Yeah, it really did.
You know, when they first asked me,
I was kind of like, "Okay, we're doing a Million Woman March."
You know I gotta be there. You know,
I'm the midget revolutionary,
so I got to do my thing.
I didn't see a lot of actresses there.
Do you think more artists should be involved politically in causes?
I don't know. I know that I need to be more involved,
You know what I'm saying? But I can't speak for everybody else.
But also, a lot of people didn't know
- about the Million Woman March. - Oh, they knew.
It was on the DL, Chris.
- It was on the DL. - Well, a million women knew.
That's true.
But you know, you really--
it wasn't really organized, you know.
It was kind of-- people didn't know.
Wait a minute, women are always organized.
- If nothing else-- - It was organized enough
- to get a million-plus women there. - A bunch of trifling-ass
men got organized faster than women?
- That's true. That's true. - That's true.
I mean, hey, maybe I'm just trying to make excuses.
- You was there, though. - I was there, and let me tell you,
I had a blast. Me and the sisters was out having a good time.
- Did you catch any sales? - We had no sales.
You know, black folks, they took
- totally advantage of that opportunity. - No?
It was like, "This t-shirt cost $50." "$50? Damn."
- Were they selling buttons and shit? - Oh yeah, they had
- a whole bunch of paraphernalia. - I remember...
- ( bell dinging ) - whenever there's some black rally
- The buttons-- that's it? - Man: That's it.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! - What?
You're not gonna believe this.
Jada Pinkett,
You win a bottle of champaign.
You know why? 'Cause you just did an interview
without mentioning the name Will Smith!
( screams )
Yes! Yes!
That's not--
that is terrible.
- Yes! - That is terrible.
- Yes, we did it! - But you asked me not to--
- on HBO! - Audience: Go Jada! Go Jada!
Yo! But that's it for Jada right now.
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
- You did it! You did it! - ( dance music playing )
All right. That's it.
Announcer: There's nothing worse
than bad phone sex.
Woman over phone: I don't know, I just--
I don't feel comfortable doing this, Chris.
Oh, come on, come on.
So what do you have on?
Woman: Underwear.
Come on, don't say "underwear."
Say "panties." you're wearing panties, right?
What kind of panties?
Woman: Um, it's like a tweed-lycra blend.
Don't tell me what it's made of.
What am l, a tailor?
Okay, okay. So what are you gonna do when you see me?
Um-mm...
I don't know.
You want me to kiss you?
I don't know.
You want me to eat your pussy?
- Umm, whatever. - ( screeches )
What do you mean, "whatever"?
Do you want me to eat your pussy?
Eventually, I guess., we'll get there, I mean.
Yeah. I mean... I don't know!
Okay, okay.
( sighs ) What are you gonna do to me?
Uh...
- Touch your arm. - Arm?
What are you touching my arm for?
What the fuck? I ain't in a fight. I ain't falling down.
All right, I'll massage your neck.
You gotta go lower.
Um...
what if I rub your tummy?
Lower.
All right, I'll touch your penis.
- My penis? - Uh-huh.
What the fuck are you talking about, "penis"?!
Penis?! what's this "penis" shit?
What am l, a fucking doctor?
It's dick! Dick! My dick!
- ( dial tone ) - Damn!
( cheering, laughing )
What is this you have heard?
Now...
I didn't even know my next guest was in town,
but he just dropped by, and I'm really excited.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
- Pootie Tang! - ( hip hop music playing )
- Welcome to the show, man. - Thanks, baby.
Pootie Tang on my show. It is so good to see you, Pootie Tang.
You must be doing a promotional tour or something.
( chuckles ) Yeah.
( audience laughing )
Pootie, I was wondering
what happened to you down by the cutty stah?
Uh, Chris,
that cutty stah be
was bullshit, all right?
I was just down there, you know,
tining the clow.
Really? Really? 'cause everybody said
You was crying on the temmy.
No, my damie.
That's a white-a-tie to the sama-cow.
( audience laughing )
Well, if you say so, Pootie.
Sah-dah-tey.
Now, Pootie, Pootie Pootie Pootie,
Everybody knows you just cut a new record, right?
Oh yeah, yeah. It's called
"Tippy-tie on my Capa-town."
Now, Pootie,
Did anybody good play on the record?
Oh yeah. We had
- Ooh Smooth Ghillie on bass... - Yeah!
- Uh, Crity Pooster on keys, - Get out of here!
Yeah, Wamatah-sappy- cama-cama-leepa-cha-ee
on drums,
and, uh, Paul Schaeffer.
- You know, that sounds rainy, Pootie. - Oh yeah.
Do you have a clip for this video?
- ( chuckles ) Yeah. - All right,
Iet's have a look at a clip from Pootie Tang's
"Tippy-tie on my Capa-town."
( hip hop music playing )
- Wow! Wow! Hey! - ( audience cheering )
Wow, that was terrific, Pootie!
Sah-dah-tey.
( laughs )
Well, I'm a-wam-tam
that you came by, Pootie.
Oh man, I pony-pie
to the camie-towns all the time, man.
Wana-tan on the poopy-face.
Huh? What?
Oh.
Uh...
Uh, wana-tan on the...
the poopy-face.
Nigga, what the fuck are you talking about?
Wana-tan on my poopy-face!
- Oh, wana-tan on my poopy-face! - Oh, yeah!
- Wana-tan on my-- - I knew I was something--
Pootie Tang, everybody, and his album...
Here to perform their song "My Body"
are Gerald Levert, Keith Sweat and Johnny Gill,
Knows as LSG!
( playing R&B music )
Yo, that's our show for tonight!
I'd like to thank our guests Jada Pinkett, LSG!
Yo, Flash, take us out!
( theme music playing )